Monday, June 07, 2010


I have recognized a really disturbing fact about myself. I'm not sure I can explain it very well.

When I deal with others I only deal with them on the surface. I don't think I recognize them as someone with feelings, or a soul. Someone like me with fears, concerns, pleasures, hardships, doubts and so on. Its almost as if there is a body with a head that words come from their mouth. They walk and eat and drink but I don't think I get much beyond that. I do somewhat with my family, probably not enough, but I might just as well be working with and dealing with robots as far as other people I work and come in contact with are concerned. I apologize. I'm truly sorry but I'm not sure I know how to change.

I don't like what I have learned about myself. I think it must have roots in my selfishness and self-centeredness. I'm so vain that I don't want others to see my true self. I'm not nearly as smart as I try to portray, nor am I as tough or composed.
Even though I screw up a lot I don't want others to think I do. I'm not sure I can see others as they truly are unless I'm willing to let them thru the facade I put up.

I'm 59 years old. What does it matter? You would think maturity would have shined a lite on this before now.

If you know how and can help me change I would appreciate your help.